Dynasty Hockey League

28 Thoughts

This may or may not be an Elliotte Friedman rip-off attempt, but who gives a shit. I am going to put my own spin on things and if you all like this, maybe I’ll make a series of it.

Anaheim: It wasn’t long ago I was talking to Lance stating that I appreciated the job he was doing in Anaheim and the rebuild is coming along, albeit slowly but that it was coming along. What more can you ask? Then I had a discussion with one GM who lamented that he thinks the rebuild has been mishandled and that the franchise once rife with youth is anywhere but in a solid position to succeed. Personally, I can’t exactly remember what condition the roster was in when Lance took over, but if Lance wants to chime in on this in the forums, it’d be interesting to get his take. Bo Horvat and Seth Jones are notable roster pieces, but the roster lacks in all areas. I’m not sure how long the rebuild will take but damn if it isn’t looking like it will be excruciating.

Boston: It’s hard to believe Mike is gone. Mike and Boston are one and the same. You can’t have Boston without Mike and Mike isn’t Mike without Boston. What the fuck happened here? I know Mike has two kids and is balls deep in family to deal with, but damn — it just sucks. Mike was one of those really good GMs. Outside of Steve, I’d say he is one of the most patient and methodical GMs I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. He knew who he wanted and if he couldn’t make a deal happen, he would wait until he could. I loved the way he built his teams as he didn’t get sucked into the youth-whore movement. Mike ran to the beat of his own drum and didn’t really give a fuck how others built their rosters or what their philosophies were. Mike was going to do what Mike wanted to do. Mike, if you end up reading this — you’ll be sorely missed, and if this new Boston GM trades Sidney Crosby from Boston, it will be nothing short of an absolutely heartbreaking moment. Just like Mike is Boston and Boston is Mike, Crosby is a Bruin and a Bruin is Crosby. I can’t imagine him on a different team.

Buffalo: What happens when an English person attempts to manage a hockey team? Just look at the pile of shit that consists of Buffalo’s roster and then you’ll have your answer. All jokes aside, Stefan inherited a pile of shit and he is just dealing with that pile of shit until it’s not a pile of shit anymore. There’s not much to be said here other than that he is adhering to his plan of stock-piling picks and drafting. He set up Anaheim in his tenure with them, and he’ll do the same in Buffalo — resuscitating the fuckfest Francis turned that team into. Don’t get me wrong, I like Francis, but damn if he didn’t run that team into the ground numerous times.

Calgary: I miss Rui in a way, and then I don’t miss him. I’ll always respect his ability to build a roster and get the most out of it. Rui was always really good at that. He always had some interesting player combinations and made them work well. That being said, I wonder how many fucking teams in DHL are actually rebuilding? It’s like if you don’t have three lines of 1st line forwards it’s time to blow the fucker up and start over. How soon do you plan to compete Smallz? Serious question.

Carolina: Just like Rui, Mayo is pretty good about slapping a team together that you think will never work but does. Don’t you just love when you get a PM from Mayo? You need to pour yourself a tall drink before you read it. Regardless, I wonder where Pacioretty ends up? I would like him to end up on my 1st line, but I honestly just don’t even want to attempt talks. He’s worse than Alex.

Chicago: Managed by a dumb-fuck, no doubt about it. That’s all that needs to be said here.

Colorado: I should have traded for Arvidsson when I had the chance. I should have traded for Saad when I had the chance as well. I feel like I always regret not making a trade with Adam. When I had Carlson I almost traded him for Saad, which I would like to have on my team today. I didn’t do it and ended up getting Trocheck in the end a little later for him. I would rather have Saad. As far as Colorado is concerned, I feel like Adam needs to be careful here — don’t let your team get past the point of no return where you have to nuke it and then be added to the list of long-term rebuilders.

Columbus: I’m really running out of things to say about rebuilding teams. Rebuilding teams are the Toyota dealerships of the world — safe, pedestrian and incredibly boring lots of vehicles — completely uninspiring. I do appreciate the fact that Kris is trying to improve his competitiveness this off-season. It’ll be fun to see if he gets somewhere with it.

Dallas: Chris is a magician. He’ll figure something out and end up being competitive with some crazy hodgepodge of a roster. You should have kept Barkov, because I would have had a better chance of acquiring him from you than Adrian. I’ll never get Barkov now. Fuck sakes.

Detroit: Pasi. Enough said.

Edmonton: Edmonton has an average team age of 30, soon to be older with the aging of 1 year this off-season. I wonder if Rod will be able to keep it together? I’ll tell you what though, Rod perfected the art of a two way team. Jamie Benn, Mikko Koivu, Jonathan Toews, Michael Frolik, Joe Pavelski, Justin Abdelkader, and then a very solid defense to round out the blue-line. He’ll put in another solid performance this season I am sure.

Los Angeles: The fall of a great empire. Adrian’s team flat-out sucks, and will for quite some time. He has Barkov and Mackinnon though, so that accounts for something. I think Adrian is in it for the long-haul in regard to this rebuild. It would help if Bjugstad rebounds, and for Adrian and my sake, I hope he does or Tallon will look like a tool for protecting him in the expansion draft.

Minnesota: Chris just acquired Stamkos, and he has Panarin as well as Hoffman — a bunch of players who can score. I’m sure Chris will be very solid again this season. He has the right amount of veteran leadership but a few youthful pieces to keep things fresh. What’s with the whole idea of Stamkos being washed up now? I don’t understand it. Just a couple of seasons ago he was a 50 goal scorer and now everyone is fucking sour on him. Get real people, that guy is better than most of the NHL and probably every player on the team you support part the exception of a few in the NHL.

Montreal: I forget this GM’s name. Anyway, he’s done a solid job of resuscitating what was an absolute disaster between Mike and Pasi. There’s a lot of youth here and a solid spattering of veteran presence in Rick Nash, Patric Hornqvist, and Jake Muzzin as well as King Henrik to push the youth along. This will be a team to watch for a long time. Good job GM I can’t remember, good job.

Nashville: Steve is Steveing. Doing his own thing like he always does. Steve, do us all a favor and make some crazy blockbuster. Just once. Do something exciting. Trade Ekblad or something. You seriously fail in the entertainment factor of being a GM. I always like your teams though, but I am a shit GM so that’s not saying much.

New Jersey: Saif, another in a long line of frustrating GMs to deal with. Saif has a great team though, very young and very good. Saif did a pretty good job for actively tanking and getting fucked over and over in the DHL lottery. The anti-Alex. ¬†This team will be a main-stay in the playoffs I am sure. I doubt he ever wins a cup though if his luck with the lottery is anything to go by. Sorry Saif, but you’re fucked.

New York Islanders: I don’t understand why DHL granted a team to the New York Islanders but the Florida Panthers don’t exist? What the fuck John? This team puts a Honda Pilot next to the glass in their arena, a fucking SUV for fucks sake. Again, What. The. Fuck? A portion of their seats can’t even fucking see the entire ice, yet the Islanders exist in DHL and the Panthers don’t. I am offended. I don’t care about their dynasty years in the NHL, they were long ago and do not matter at this point. They put Honda Pilots in their arenas and showcase them as if somebody is about to walk up and ask what the finance rates are. It’s a fucking hockey game, not an indoor showroom. Johnny’s team is a mess. End of. Figure it out Johnny.

New York Rangers: Who has this team again? JonQ needs to come back. Sorry to whoever the NY Rangers GM is now, but that’s JonQ’s team and always will be. You will forever live in his shadow. Don’t fuck up his work. Trade me Kuznetsov, and Ryan Johansen — which would probably fuck up his work.

Ottawa: I can’t rip off Ben anymore, which is depressing. Ben did an excellent job in Ottawa though. The team he left behind is super European though. It’s hilarious, so many European names on the roster, and then there’s fatty Phil the American, bringing that American stereotype home — flying the flag.

Philadelphia: Nick always does a solid job, and has been one of the most solid additions to the league, ever I think. Nick is a lot like Mike in that he can get a lot from his roster and always has a solid mix of everything — and always patient. Seguin is leading that ship, and oh man, Radulov with him in the NHL — Nick, it’s looking good for you buddy.

Pittsburgh: What’s the game plan in Pittsburgh? I know Justin had that miracle run a few seasons ago, but a whole lot of nothing going on since then. Work your magic here Justin, you’ve got to get this ship righted and provide some competitiveness to the DHL. We have enough fucking boring ass rebuilds going on. Do something about it.

San Jose: John is that billionaire who buys islands because he can’t figure out what else to do with his fucking assets. He can pretty much have any player he wants in DHL as he has all the assets he would ever need to acquire them, and that’s what he does. He probably wipes his ass with stacks of hundreds.

St. Louis: Oh boy, this one is a good story. John is a great GM, great trader, but this team also killed him. So many heartbreaking losses even though his teams have always been among the best. John came so close to walking away, and then bam, two cups. The sim is a cruel fucking thing. It had John on his knees, begging for mercy — asking to be put out of his misery, and then the sim finally says yeah, ok, I’ll give you your cups. What a bitch this fucking simulator is. Team continues to be good sporting Hall, Schenn, Rakell, Duchene, Ekman-Larsson. I don’t know why I am naming his players as most will change in a couple of weeks.

Tampa: Rich is back! Woohoo! Tampa will be in good hands with Rich at the helm. He won’t trade me Huberdeau though which I am pissed about. I think Rich is going to try to stay competitive for a little while and that will be fun and interesting to watch. How do you plan to do that Rich? Your team is half shit and half good.

Toronto: McDavid and Matthews, and Marner, and Ehlers, and Ristolainen, and Dougie Hamilton, and Martin Jones. This is so ridiculous. You know what’s more ridiculous? I traded him Matthews and Ristolainen. I told you I am a shit GM.

Vancouver: This guy never shows up yet still has a spot in this league. Why? Because he drafts for like a week or two out of the year and falls off the map again? Whatever.

Washington: Todd has done a nice job in Washington, really solid job this season with the playoff run. Extremely good defense and goaltending, and a well rounded offense. This roster is honestly a great example of a cup contender – just awesome everywhere. I hope you can keep it together and can win one soon.

Winnipeg: What a nightmare this roster is right now, but hopefully Yeo has the patience to figure this out. Charlie Coyle is the nicest thing on the roster, or the only nice thing part Matthew Tkachuk on the way. God help you buddy. You’re going to need all the help you can get.







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